I have taken a break from my blog for a little while (only a week or so), to see if my inner transition progress would be hindered by not writing about it. I think taking breaks is important as it often helps me to realize the true value of something I have established. Over the past week, I have found that my thinking has not been as clear, and I have not been pushing myself as hard toward change. ‘Writing through’ my issues gives me the space to come to a deeper understanding of the feelings I’m experiencing.
In the past week when I haven’t been taking the time to write, I have found that my independent hour (we call it ‘rest time’ in our home) has been eaten up by various other things which are not yielding the same results. At the end of the rest time, I find myself wanting for more time, feeling unsettled and emotionally unprepared for the afternoon.
The things I was able to get done last week were those which had repeatedly been ‘left for another day,’ because I’d rush to the computer to lay down my thoughts instead. Over the course of the week, I came to realize that those things which I hadn’t made time for were the things that should not be part of my life. For example, if I don’t really want to spend my time fixing something that has been broken, perhaps it is time that I just not own it.
I thought a lot about the issue of time. I frequently find myself saying to myself, “I don’t have time…” when in reality this is not true. The truth is that I haven’t made the time by setting that item as a priority. When I have only so many hours in a day, and so few of them for myself, I have observed myself getting very defensive of my time, wanting to spend it in a certain way and feeling frustrated when I’m unable to. I am observing that this reactive method to unmet expectations is not doing me or my family any favours! Rather than creating expectations for what should be done, I am trying to focus instead on what I want to be done.
I yearn to live a more conscious life, a simpler life. As I head into the edges, pushing toward this ever elusive destination, my consciousness about what it really means to simplify my life is changing. I am growing to know that it is not the things which surround me that define how ‘simple’ my life is, but rather my reaction to them. Living a simple life is yet another inner transition issue. The things in my home elicit strong emotional reactions, as they represent my holding; whether it is holding on to the past, or cultural conventions. As I press into my patterns of holding, I’m finding that these are the places where the clutter resides; physically, emotionally, and mentally. I am working to be alright with the emotions that these holding patterns bring up, facing them, observing them, and having the patience to watch them pass. When I am able to give each holding pattern space and listen to its message, its importance dissipates, and so does the importance of the ‘stuff’ that represents it.
As our family makes the descent into a future with less carbon footprint, I remind myself that the journey is slow. It is meant to be. For it to be real, it must be. We will head down slowly, carefully, and keep ‘righting’ ourselves when we veer off course. For me this means making the space and time to do that which makes my heart sing. The journey requires me to be present with how I’m spending my moments, continuously evaluating my unsung motives. It is here, in this space where I am able to tease apart my tightly wound ball of yarn…and so I have returned to writing after a very short hiatus…