There are days where it feels like I’m not getting things right. Days when I wonder what it is exactly that I’m offering this world. There have been a lot of these since we moved. I wonder how to share my gifts as I’m trapped under a mountain of work. I think about how I can help myself to be present to the things that are happening around me. The pace feels too fast for me to hold on to. I have twinges of regret and a desire to be perfect worrying that I’m letting people down.
I am working hard to be true to myself. I am trying so hard just to be me.
I want to be strong enough to weather these days. And I am. And I do. But the pain of feeling my way through this cycle again and again feels so very hard. I am working hard to be true to myself. I am trying so hard just to be me. Sitting in the journey.
I have such a deep desire for things to be different. I crave community, meaningful relationships and work. Some days I don’t feel like its possible and I want to run and hide, doing as little as possible to engage with the outside world as I can. I don’t understand how our culture can be so dysfunctional and yet function. And I don’t really know how to be within it’s dysfunction. I want to find the right people. I want to make room for myself to be. I want to be strong. I want to be self-assured. I want to choose joy. I want to live my truth. I want to be someone who makes a difference.
Ironically it is my feelings of unworthiness that indeed make me so. If I can be strong within myself and steadfast in my convictions; to respect others, to respect nature, to be true to my ethics, to be honourable, to be honest, to love, to choose joy, to be the best I can be, to be kind to others and myself, to be courageous enough to stand up for what I believe in, to uphold integrity, to show that I am capable, even when I make mistakes, to accept mistakes as learning, to let go of what other people think of me, to be patient, to show gratitude, to connect, to be me…then I will be living the life I’ve always wanted!
Don’t be perfect. Be brave.